Danny Vuojosk Part I – The Problematic Scenarius

Warning: Explicit language, reader's discretion is advised.

On a fine Sunday afternoon, the Great Makessay was meditating. The vibes of communist energy were flowing through his mind, body and soul. The Great Makeesay was on his way to redeeming his destiny of deliverance of mankind. He was sitting at a coffee table in the Mall of Lahore, which is a really good place to meditate as it is dwelled upon by the pure of heart and spirit; the most beautiful of this beautiful Russian city of Lahore.  Provoski’s deep nirvana was broken by a sudden voice. An intrusion! Behold! An angel had appeared before him…

Greetings! Oh Great Makeesay! The leader of communism! The rising red star! The successor of Lenin! The master of virtue! The messiah!

Bhenchod! can’t you see I’m meditating? You accursed and ugly angel. For indeed you are very ugly. Your wings are ash black, your nose is deformed, your eyes are squinted, you have a bad breath, you walk without grace  and you walk as if you are limping. I swear on Lenin, you are the ugliest angel I have ever seen. What do you want from the Great Makeesay?

Forgive me O master of communism, I did not mean to disturb you but its my duty to warn you of the imminent danger. Your case is lost. The revolution CANNOT happen. You should go back to the communist heaven, to where you came from! Russia is no longer worthy!

SILENCE! Madarchod! How dare you feed me with your pessimism you monstrous angel?

O Great Makeesay, take a look around yourself, you are surrounded by animals and reptiles. These are not people. These are Vuojosk’s children… They are dogs and bitches and reptiles

And Makeesay Provoski lifted his eyes to observe his surroundings and was horrified at what he saw for it was truly a very graphic and gross sight:

He was surrounded by hundreds of animals. Dogs, Bitches, Reptiles… all of them mounted on each other as they licked, bit, defiled and molested each other, without any discrimination of species. A thousand clitorises ripped open. A thousand penises made their way into what seemed like caves of reptilian birth.  This sexual frenzy went all over the place, in the shops, on escalators, even outside the mall, in big cars, in small cars, on motorbikes, amongst dogs, bitches and reptiles of all classes, rich, poor, everyone… in entire Russia.

MADNESS! MADNESS! MADNESS!!!

O Great Makeesay! You cannot deliver these people. Voujosk is their Messiah! They only want him and not you. They want… The Danny Voujosk!

And Makeesay Provoski just stood silent before the ugly angel. For he did not know who this man was! Who and what! Danny Vuojosk?

To be continued…

The Gene of Perfection

Ladies and Gentlemen! After years of hard work and greed, we are finally successful. This is the most historic moment in the history of time itself. We have created the “gene of perfection”.

*Applause and cheerful cries from the audience”

Thank you mindless robots. Now let us continue with the presentation.

So this marvelous gene will help us in creating perfect humans. Let me share some of the features of this perfect human being.

Firstly we had to do away with emotions. *a brief moment of applause by the audience*

Emotions complicate things. A man’s emotions are often the cause of great agony and pain not only for himself but for those around him. But our perfect human won’t face any agony, nor will he cause agony for those around him. Don’t worry it doesn’t mean he won’t “show” emotions for others. He definitely will show them. But he won’t be broken by anything. We have tailor made the brain to make him act in a way, which would give comfort to others but he himself will never need any comfort.

We also had to do away with feelings. *A louder applause from the crowd*

Feelings would have made him weak. But our perfect human can’t be weak. He will pretend that he feels but he actually won’t feel anything. We have made sure that he adapts his behavior perfectly to the situation. If he has to pretend that he loves someone, he will do that I assure you. We have replaced the part of the brain that generates emotions and feelings with another part, which generates pretention and hypocrisy. Our perfect human will be a perfect handler of all his relationships. Nobody will ever know that he doesn’t care about anything or anyone in the world. Nobody will ever know that he doesn’t have… feelings!

*A man from the crowd gets up, whose face looks different from all the other alike faces in the presentation hall, he screams: You monsters, the things you have done away with, are the things that make us human, you have only created a machine with organs and flesh. IMPERFECTIONS MAKE US HUMAN…”

Silence you nonconformist rebel. For years you whined about your short comings, your broken homes and your pain. Now when you finally have everything that you wanted, you don’t like it. GUARDS!!! Take this fool away…

And the presentation continues under the loudest applause by any audience ever...

An Endless Search

I slept at 6:00am in the morning and woke up at around 10:30am. Sleeplessness has become a real bugger lately. So anyways I woke up with a strange kind of tension in my mind. To define it, it’s the discrepancy between my desired state and my actual state. I don’t know what my desired state is. 15 minutes latter I got out of bed and made a phone call. My “Desired” number was powered off. With a bit of disappointment I got ready and left for campus.

Its awfully hot and humid in Karachi today. Campus is a 15 minutes walk from my Hostel. During the course of this little journey, my mind must have gone through a 1000 weird thoughts. Be positive. No don’t let your hopes drag you into some kind of unrealizable dream. So don’t be positive. But life is such a drag if you don’t have hope.. so be positive….don’t be positive.. be realistic. Practical. Don’t think too much. You think too much……. Its 11:45am and I’m at campus. I go straight to the library’s periodicals section. My eyes are continuously sifting through the neatly arranged magazines on the shelf.

There it is, “The Daily Psychologist”; 50+ pages of psychology, antidepressant drug advertisements, and everything there is to life these days. This was the first time I had come across this magnificent compound of paper, ink and other chemicals and I must admit that I was overjoyed. So I took it out, grabbed myself a chair and started going through the pages, occasionally reading a few lines.

There was this one particular ad which deserved more of my attention than usual. “Discover Yourself”. 5 DVD Set by some acclaimed Zen Master. Discover the meaning of life. Make your life meaningful and what not. If we are alive and breathing I ask, is it not meaningful enough? Is it not meaningful enough to be human, with our eyes, ears, hands, brain and short comings? Define meaningful.

Its 12:45 and my phone rings, compelling me to take my eyes off the “Zen Self Discovery Process”. “Desired” number calling. I pick up and two minutes of conversation lighten me up.

Thoughts flood my mind. Why are we here? Why are humans the way they are? Why is self discovery so important? At times after looking at such advertisements, it seems to me as if the entire world is some kind of a mental health facility with all these scientists designing solutions and testing them on us. Its all a big mess. Human beings have systematized and institutionalized everything. The system suffocates me. The institutions scare me. Aren’t we all just highly intelligent animals. I think we’d be better off If we had not evolved into being the way we are today. Perhaps if we had stayed primitive, then our problems and complications of life would never have grown to such massive proportions. Perhaps…

I’m back in my room and my mind tells itself to shut up. But my questions are still unanswered…